Recently, I had the privilege of picking the brains of one of the best male enhancement coaches in the world, AJ Alfaro from meCOACH.
We had a candid discussion on how your thoughts, as a man struggling with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and other performance related issues, have everything to do with your troubles.
And I just want to share with you some of the points and ideas we spoke about because I think you can benefit from them as well.
When your mental “inner game” is focused on frustration, self-loathing, or anxiety, the penis won’t work despite it being healthy. Your mindset is the problem and usually, when you try to repeat the encounters while approaching it with the expectation that it will get fixed automatically, things don’t get better, they actually get worse.
Most men try to fix the problems using pills and devices, but they are going about it the wrong way because they should fix the mind first.
Towards the end, I am going to provide you with one simple but powerful exercise you can do to change your thinking patterns for the better and become a real sexual lover that makes love to women from a strong place of confidence.
All of us have been there, earlier in our sex lives. When you are inexperienced, you don’t usually have enough confidence making you likely to suffer from anxiety. In an ideal situation where the penis functioned regardless of you being anxious, there would be no such thing as anxiety-induced performance shortcomings.
Unfortunately, many men never realize that this problem can never fix itself simply because it is psychological; therefore, they wrongfully end up blaming their bodies. Interestingly, the condition always gets worse for these men. When the anxiety gets too much, you can have a condition known as a hard flaccid where the penis actually gets smaller, constricted and harder.
Anxiety is either good or bad, it all depends on the level of Anxiety, what it comes from and how you react to it. For example, a mild dose of anxiety is actually good because it heightens the sexual experience (which explains why some of us engage in risky behavior during sex to introduce it) but as you progress along the spectrum, the anxiety starts to become a problem.
Further along the spectrum of anxiety, you can encounter the more serious problem of Erectile Dysfunction and full-blown impotence, and if you don’t want to get there you better start working on your “Inner Game” because that is how you cure the anxiety that stops you from being the lover you want to be for her.
Looking at it from another perspective, some mild anxiety from the fear of getting caught for some men makes them have harder erections and more sex drive. But even then, the mild anxiety causes premature ejaculation and if the partner starts to feel or show any signs of dissatisfaction, it piles the pressure on the guy and he may start to have problems like ED. In such a scenario, he gets stuck in a vicious cycle of sexual under-performance. At the same time, for the woman, the mild anxiety traps her in her head and she may have problems reaching orgasm. When the man sees that, he feels responsible and his confidence takes a hit, aggravating the situation.
Qucik measures like pills and surgery when you have not fixed your anxiety problems are a big mistake. Common mistakes guys make when they try to rectify the problem include:
- Blaming the penis SOLELY for their woes. In most cases, the men actually don’t have a problem physiologically because they still get erections when they masturbate or practice alone.
- Focusing on picking up random girls with whom they can’t possibly form an emotional connection with. These girls tend to be more superficial and this denies the guy much needed emotional support.
- A partner who listens to you and understands you can be more helpful.
When most guys have performance issues, there is always an emotional aspect to it. They are perfectly normal physically but they have one negative experience and it goes downhill from there. If their mental state is not dire, they can bounce back after one negative experience because they don’t let it define them. Those who base their self-assessment on that one bad performance suffer poor performances in later encounters.
The latter group (those who suffer subsequent performance problems) get anxious about their performance. They are constantly worried about things like the size of the penis, premature ejaculation and a raft of other deficiencies their minds perceive. In most cases, the men who suffer are inexperienced and the sexual encounters they get are mostly few casual flings with partners they have no deep emotional connections with. When they have a negative experience like erectile dysfunction, the partners are not likely to comfort them and in most cases react very negatively.
Such a guy is likely to be tormented by the experience. If he gets obsessive, he is going to try to “test” himself by constantly looking out for erections during the day and in the process, he exhausts himself physically and mentally. As he falls into this habit, the mind starts to reinforce the negative behavior.
Ensure that you are healthy and all is well physically
Here you can start by examining yourself to determine whether your penis is okay when you are alone. This can be done during your own training and exercises.
Do only things that you are comfortable with
If you are not very experienced, the next step is to do the stuff that you are comfortable with. Remember, not everyone is ready for sex on command. The problem with most guys is mostly with penetrative sex. Here, you feel comfortable when you are cuddling, making out, or doing oral but when it comes to the penis in the vagina sex, things go south. In this case, you need to build up by getting comfortable with activities, like foreplay and then ease yourself into penetrative sex.
Find a partner who is trustworthy
When you find yourself in such a sticky situation, you need to find a partner with whom you can confide in. The right partner will be someone you can trust and open up to. This means that you have to stop placing all your emphasis on picking up random girls at the bar because you will find it hard to trust them with your emotions and insecurities.
If you don’t have a partner, train yourself the right way
If you want to train yourself, don’t do frivolous masturbation. It is even worse if you use pornography to get yourself off. Stay away from pornography completely. The best thing you can do is reserve ejaculation for actual sex or the right training activities.
Don’t beat yourself up if you slip up
The process of redeeming yourself is gradual. If you, for example, prematurely ejaculate when you are starting to rehabilitate yourself, don’t be hard on yourself. A good approach is to laugh at the situation with your partner to make light of it. Another nice way to go about it especially if you have a girl in bed is to tell her that she was too hot, you couldn’t help but ejaculate fast. You will be surprised at how it makes things easier for you.
A positive, light-hearted approach is a million times better than a negative, critical approach.
Realize that your penis is your friend
Biologically speaking, when you have a hot, sexy girl right in front of you, your penis WANTS to get hard. That is the natural response to the stimuli in the same way that the knee jerks when it is struck. It is the mind that interferes.
The human mind can think abstractly. By this, I mean that it can either create positive imaginations or negative ones. If our minds were not that complex, we would never have these performance problems because the things that go through our mind when we are not performing sexually are not really true. “Lower” animals never have such problems because they act purely on instinct with no rationalizations.
When you advance in your rehabilitation, you will achieve emotional mastery and when you reach this state, you can control your mind and it helps you to achieve things that are naturally inconceivable e.g. multiple male orgasms.
“The mind is either a loyal servant or a wicked master.”
And this leads up to our MOST IMPORTANT tip: Train your mind
To start training your mind, the first thing you need is to have the awareness that your mindset has a key role in your situation. It helps you know that your flawed mindset is the one causing the negative thought patterns.
In order to tame your mind and fight anxiety/fear, you must learn to still the mind. If the negative thoughts come to you, mentally visualize yourself pushing them away. So that you can do it with ease, follow the following simple steps:
1. First, take a deep breath, and focus on it intently. It is a technique that is even used in martial arts when a student is trying to battle anxiety. It comes in handy if your mind starts to wander. You are better equipped to be in control of your mind when you do that simple exercise.
2. You can also use visualizations the center of your mind. Clear your mind of any thoughts and conjure a neutral image like a clear field or a bright light so that you can reset your emotions. In doing so, you also disrupt negative thought patterns.
3. It helps to smile. If you are having negative thoughts that are making you frown, try to think thoughts that will make you smile. When you are smiling, you are on the right track.
4. In training, use emotional visualization. This is different from fantasizing about erotic thoughts because you are trying to induce the emotions that you want to experience during a pleasurable sexual encounter. It is more challenging when you are starting since you don’t use the direct external stimuli that you are used to. It is very easy when you get used to it and you can later translate it to actual sex.
These small things help you weaken the negative thoughts. If you fear something like PE happening especially if it has happened before, tell yourself that you have the right tools to make things better and populate your mind with positive thoughts of you using the techniques. When you don’t let the fear and negativity dictate you, it gets weaker and your performance improves drastically.