While some men can’t last as long as they would like to during sex, there are others who can’t actually ejaculate.
What is delayed ejaculation?
The condition is characterized by lack of ejaculation despite being erect and having stimulation. If you take more than 30 minutes to come or if it stops being pleasurable for both of you and you can’t finish off, you are suffering from the condition. In addition to that, you sometimes don’t come during sex despite having the best sex and enjoying it. For the more serious cases, you can’t come at all over several sexual encounters. Delayed ejaculation can be classified as:
- Complete or Total anejaculation: You don’t ejaculate whether you are having sex or masturbating. It is subdivided into:
a.Anorgasmic ejaculation: you can neither ejaculate nor orgasm.
b.Orgasmic ejaculation: you can orgasm but not ejaculate.
- Situational anejaculation: You can ejaculate in some scenarios but fail to do so in other scenarios. For instance, you can come when you masturbate but not when you are having sex.
Don’t confuse delayed ejaculation with retrograde ejaculation. With the latter, your semen goes backward into the bladder instead of outside through the urethra.
It is an embarrassing and frustrating situation that can negatively affect your relationship. It not only affects you as the man but also your partner because she starts to feel like there’s something she is not doing right. It is a big trigger of insecurities on her part and it even affects her enjoyment of sex. When she stops enjoying the sex, her vagina loses its natural lubrication. She can get resentful and sex becomes less enjoyable for her.
Causes of Delayed Ejaculation
There are many reasons why you are not ejaculating when you want to. They are both physiological and psychological. They include:
- Bad masturbation technique
- Watching too much pornography
- Performance anxiety
- Too Much Alcohol
- Diseases and other health conditions
Bad Masturbation Technique
This is the most common problem most men suffering from anejaculation have. It is caused by using bad techniques to masturbate. If you fall into this category, you will find it almost impossible to orgasm during sex but can ejaculate alone. The catch here is that you have trained your body to climax with a specific stimulation technique that cannot be replicated with your partner. Some poor habits you have picked up during masturbation that are causing you problems include:
1. Gripping your penis too hard during masturbation: If you constantly “choke” your penis too hard when you are going solo, you will not come during actual sex. The problem here is that the vagina will not give you the firm grip you are used to in order to cum; therefore, your body will deem the vagina insufficient.
2. Jerking off at unrealistic speeds. The issue also comes if you are accustomed to pumping too fast when you are masturbating. If you do this constantly, your body will get used to ejaculating only when you pump too fast. If you cannot replicate the speed during actual sex, you will not orgasm.
3. Jerking off too much. Most of us can handle a few sessions per day but some can only do one or two. If you jerk off a few times the same day you are to invite her over for Netflix, you may find it harder to cum when you “Chill.”
Watching too much Pornography
This one goes along with masturbation for most guys, but still, how much is too much porn?
Well, if you have a 10 GB or bigger porn folder on your laptop (usually conspicuously labeled as “Work folder” or other clever labels), a few subscriptions to exotic services, and constantly peruse 20 tabs of erotic material on your browser in incognito mode, you probably overdo it. When you watch too much porn, you get less motivated to seek human interactions with actual women. With pornographic material, the stars of the show normally set such unrealistic precedents that real women (a majority of them at least) cannot live up to.
If this goes on for some time, you will get used to hardcore stuff and weird fetishes that will gradually rewire your mind and body’s response to sexual pleasure. As your body gets used to overstimulation that a real woman cannot match, you will never be satisfied with her and will find it hard to finish off what you start in the bedroom.
Health Related Issues
Sometimes, when you cannot ejaculate during sex, it may be due to an underlying medical condition. There are infections and abnormal conditions that may be behind your predicament. Neurological diseases, heart ailments, low testosterone levels, and hypothyroidism may have a part to play. Other health-related issues include:
- Heart disease that alters the blood flow in the pelvic parts of the body.
- Prostate and urinary tract infections.
- Birth defects affecting ejaculation.
Clinical studies have shown that some people who are diabetic find it hard to climax during sex as it causes a neuropathic disease. Physiologically speaking, the nerves that are concerned with causing an erection are different from those that are involved with ejaculation. Therefore, if a disease tampers with the nerves related to ejaculation, you will have the normal flow of blood to the penis for ejaculation but insufficient blood for orgasms.
When physical problems cause delayed ejaculation, it can get to you and cause anxiety. In some cases, when the physical problem clears up, the psychological aspect may now start causing a recurrence of the delayed ejaculation.
This one goes hand in hand with the medical conditions. There are some classes of medication that delay orgasm in both men and women. They affect the nerves that cause ejaculation. If you are taking these medications, you will not orgasm whether you are having sex with a girl or masturbating alone. The main culprits here are:
- SSRI antidepressants like Prozac and Celexa.
- Antipsychotics like Mellaril
- Medications that are meant to lower blood pressure.
- Medications for fighting anxiety.
These medications have the tendency to delay orgasm or kill it altogether.
Performance anxiety covers a broader spectrum of psychological issues inhibiting ejaculation. Anejaculation can be caused by anxiety in the sense that you may be afraid to get her pregnant because, in the social context, it is morally wrong and inconvenient for both of you to become parents. Such social pressure could be due to religion or culture. Conversely, when you want to have a baby so badly, it can cause anxiety especially if you have been trying for some time, unsuccessfully. In this instance, you fear that you are disappointing her, and by extension, both of your families by failing to make her pregnant.
Another anecdote when it comes to performance anxiety is the fear of letting yourself go. Sex with another human being is, in the literal sense, making yourself vulnerable. You are entrusting your body to hers and you have to let go of your inhibitions and insecurities. In order for you to ejaculate, you need to let her make you orgasm. This may be the case if you have trust issues, intimacy issues, or trauma that shackle you when you need to be letting your mind roam to wherever it needs to be.
Drinking Too Much
Most men who have anxieties about sex with a girl may decide to take some alcohol to take the edge off. Men who are nervous about interacting with women may summon the Dutch Courage that alcohol instills in order to make things easier. In fact, some experts recommend alcohol as a cure for premature ejaculation. To some extent, it works, but the problem with booze is that it can work against you as well, especially if you take too much. Alcohol delays ejaculation and makes you last longer in bed but it can delay ejaculation too much as well.
To have the best sex, you need to be in good mental health. To be mentally challenged does not necessarily mean being insane or having other extreme mental conditions, it covers depression and anxiety in the broader sense. When you are going through depression, it can be extremely tough to do basic everyday activities. Your sex life will take a hit and you will suffer a couple of sex-related dysfunctions, including delayed ejaculation.
Once you know your problem, the next step is to solve it. The best way to go about it is to target the root cause of the problem and work on it. I encourage you to be patient with the process as it is probably going to take time for you to see noticeable changes. I am going to share some of the best ways to deal with anejaculation below, paying attention to the cause each addresses:
- Change your masturbation habits (Bad masturbation technique)
- Fight your porn addiction (Watching too much pornography)
- Communication and counseling (Performance anxiety) (Depression)
- Minimize your alcohol intake (Alcohol)
- Solve underlying medical conditions (Diseases and other health conditions)
- Use medication that doesn’t affect your sex life (Medication)
Change Your Masturbation Habits
In an ideal world, I would urge you to stop masturbating completely. You can do the Nofap Challenge and realize massive benefits. However, it is extremely difficult to stop jerking off especially if you have been doing it for years. Besides, it is useful when you train to last longer in bed. Since it is a practice that most of us cannot do without entirely, you can change the way you do it. Here is how you can go about it:
1. Use your non-dominant hand: If you normally jerk off using your left hand, start using the right hand and vice versa. With time, you will train your mind not to get off to a specific method.
2. Stop using porn to stimulate yourself: This one is quite tough, to be honest. Under this challenge, instead of using the pornographic material, stay still and use your mind to focus on the sensations as you stroke your penis. Envision reaching orgasm and how awesome it feels. You can even use the mental image of your girlfriend to push you over the line. It seems impossible and will not come automatically, but with time you will get used to it.
3. Do not grip your penis too hard or jerk off too fast. Try to make the feeling as close to the actual vagina as you can. You can even use equipment that simulates the vagina for your training train.
4. Masturbate less often: Yes, it is almost impossible to quit all of a sudden but tapering off is easier. For example, if you jerk off three times a day, minimize that to two times a day for one week. The following week, masturbate once per day and choose a time when you are completely alone with zero distractions. The following week, try to jerk off once in every two days. In the meantime, replace the masturbation with actual sex. With time, you will be able to stay without masturbating for a few weeks at a time. You can easily get rid of the habit entirely at this stage. By then, you may even start dealing with the problem of premature ejaculation!
Fight Your Porn Aaddiction
It is an addiction that can be extremely tough to shake off. If you have a very serious porn addition problem, go for therapy. If you are not so deep into it, taper off your reliance on porn. Follow these steps to gradually alleviate your addiction:
1. Stop watching hardcore porn. There are extremely weird fetishes that people watch these days. Stay away from them.
2. Replace hardcore with softcore: Start watching videos that are more realistic, eg. One guy with one girl going at it missionary style.
3. Minimize the frequency at which you watch porn. Here is a simple rule you can institute: Stop watching porn on your phone and start only watching it on your laptop or home computer. This way, your access to porn is more limited and the frequency of watching reduces.
4. Cancel your subscriptions to X-rated services.
5. Watch porn on a single tab on your browser at a time. Don’t open more than one tab.
6. Delete all porn on your computer permanently. This one is probably the toughest one but it is really worth it.
7. Delete all bookmarks and saved pages or any traces to the porn sites on your browser. This prepares you for the next step, which is:
8. Set the Google search engine to Safe search. At this point, you can completely stop viewing porn on your computer.
9. Replace videos with pictures eg. Magazines. As for the pictures, work with half-naked women instead of fully naked ones.
The process can take a few weeks or months and it gets easier as you get used to it. With a bit of patience, you will get there.
Communication And Counseling
The first step to redemption if you have psychological hurdles is communication with your partner. Tell her that you have a problem and that she is not to blame. If she is willing to help you along the way, the process will be easier. Try to be more relaxed when you have sex because it is never that serious. If you have traumas, depression, trust issues and other mental ailments, seek therapy. Counseling can enable you to solve underlying mental conditions.
Minimize Your Alcohol Intake
If you rely on alcohol to make you last in bed, consider other alternatives. Try to have sex sober because it is more intimate and healthy for your relationship. If you must have a drink, take just enough to make you tipsy.
Use Medication That Doesn’t Affect Your Sex Life
Ask your doctor to give you medication that doesn’t have side effects to replace the ones that are affecting your sex life. Nevertheless, if the medication is keeping you alive and healthy, you have no choice but to adjust to a life of delayed orgasm. Change the way you perceive sex and ask your partner to do the same.
Solve Underlying Medical conditions
In this instance, a visit to your doctor is the solution. A doctor who is more experienced with sexual dysfunctions is the better choice because those without experience can easily misdiagnose you.
In summary, delayed ejaculation is a medical condition that has physical and mental causes. It is not commonly diagnosed because many men would rather not speak about it to preserve their pride.